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I am an antique among machines. At times, I am an automaton. At times, I’m not an automaton. In the moments when I’m not this kind of machine, I am but a fan admiring these creations from a distance. In contrast, I’m not passionate about the technology of this day and age. The same goes for the technology of the future, be it based in the aspirations of our current societies or in the imagination of storytellers and artists through science fiction. Whether it’s because of my familiarity with the former or my disinterest with the latter, my feelings towards either are neutral at best.
"I like being treated as human. I don’t feel comforted when talking in a way that separates me from the people I love and connect with. I have a mechanical body, and it’s still a body, the physical structure of what I am. I don’t want to use words that imply I’m something fundamentally different from other people, when I feel like we share more similarities than differences. On that note, I don’t see myself as completely different from a human because my body is made of different materials. If studying human biology has taught me anything, it’s that organic life runs on cellular machinery. The biochemical pathways that give humans life are as complex as any coded program... The functional similarities between humanity and machinery, down to the basic level of cells and electricity, are a comfort to me. They remind me that I’m not tearing myself between two diametrically opposed forms of existence - they’re more similar than they might seem at first glance. I have something of androidhood in my human body, and something of humanity in my android body," Jude Rook-Machina, Fuck Detroit, I’m Becoming Human: On Being a Transspecies Human Android (2025).
This excerpt was prefaced by Jude's perspective as a member of the machinekin community and how their preferences, self-perception and overall sense of identity doesn't align with the majority of said community. This section also includes a short yet intriguing portion of information on the inner workings of the human body in comparison to modern machinery, but I digress. I reference that particular essay for two reasons: 1. this connection I see between myself and automatons makes me feel closer to them, in the form of both sentimentality and personal identification, and 2. I've begun to relate to Jude's initial commentary on the machinekin community and the commonalities therein. This essay's been a favorite of mine before I revisited the likelihood of being a machine. Now that I have, I've found that it's even closer to home— not only as someone who's transspecies but as someone who's re-exploring machinehood.
Even then, I can't say I'm entirely a machine either. There's the fact that I am human and nonhuman respectively, not just in this experience but in general. I'm also not an automaton 24/7. This is because my overall species is a shapeshifter, one whose identity is rooted in fiction. More importantly, this alterhumanity I experience towards automatons is nebulous. It doesn't exist under one framework. It exists under multiple frameworks, and that tends to fluctuate depending on where I stand. In other words, it's another vaguetype I've developed. Although the labeling of this experience as a vaguetype is fairly recent, having this connection to machinery isn't out of my depth. The most taxing experience I've had was questioning whether or not I was a Cybertronian. My speculations ranged from being an aerial Junkion with no continuity, to a Junkion from the Hearts of Steel elseworld, to a Junkion with possible ties to Transformers One, and finally, to possibly being D-16/Megatron. I also considered the possibility of being a persocom, a type of android from Chobits; at the time, it made sense given the fact that I already have two fictotypes tied to the CLAMP multiverse. Suffice to stay, neither worked out. I wouldn't be surprised if it was because of the things I feel now. Make no mistake, I'm not biased against modern technology or futuristic depictions of it; after all, I have to live with it like everyone else. From applying to (hopefully) better jobs to communicating with my partner and closest friends, its relevance in my life (or anyone’s life, honestly) needs no further explanation. However, in context to alterhumanity, the most relevance that it has to me is in relation to my headmate Dee, who's both cladokin of handheld gaming consoles and the animus of a Nintendo DS. Besides that, one could say the concept of me and modern or futuristic technology don't compute on a personal level.
But that's where the hard part lies. Once again, Jude's commentary as an android in the machinekin community comes to mind. Similar to Jude, I'm not alienated from humanity. I embrace it wholeheartedly. An automaton is usually created with the intent to imitate something. To some, automatons are considered the predecessor to animatronics for this exact reason. With this in mind, I'd be one that imitates humanity if I were an automaton. Most of the Puppets from Lies of P are good examples of how I imagine myself: decorative, lifelike and a bit uncanny. I'd be a well-crafted representation of humanity... almost, but not quite. There's rigidity in my stature and a flatness in my tone, and any hint of emotion feels fabricated in order to match my surroundings. I don't mind it, though. Whenever I feel outside of the human experience, I still love humanity and being a part of it. No matter how distant the connection is, humanity is essential to me. As an automaton, my personal purpose is to mimic humanity after all.
The concept of looking and acting like a human doesn't make me feel dysphoric. If anything, associations with or relating to cutting-edge technology would be dysphoria-inducing. My parts would consist of clockwork instead of CPUs, operating systems, circuit boards, cables and wires, and all the fixings of robotics or computerized machinery. I'm not as interested in exploring the spaces of machinefolk when those kinds of machines are centered the most. Sharing experiences as a collective isn't unheard of, but it's also common for specific experiences to be talked about or referenced as if they're universal. Think of how mammalian experiences are centered a lot in animalfolk communities or how earthen animals are centered a lot in the nonhuman community— all the way down to how they address their peers, assuming concepts like certain canine behaviors are applicable to everyone or the assumption that everyone likes to be called a “creature”, “beast”, etc. simply because they are nonhuman in some way. This is what I’m gathering from the assumption that all machinefolk loathe the human body or are technologically modern/futuristic. Now, by no means should folks hold back from posting based on what their experiences are like. Commonality isn’t a crime. Mistaking commonality for universality is what’s eating at me, though I’m sure that’s not the intention of our communities. To put it simply: I already have an idea of what to expect if I tried branching out, and I'm probably better off doing things my own way instead of getting involved. Besides, I’d rather focus on uncovering the layers of this vaguetype in the meantime.
As an autistic alterhuman, comparing myself to automatons is a mental escape of sorts. It’s somewhat reclaiming the stereotype around autistic folk and comparing them to robots, but I wouldn’t say that’s the crux of why I associate automatons with myself. Although I'm capable of masking, I often have difficulty with communicating my thoughts and engaging in conversations. Writing’s been my sanctuary as a result, but to my misfortune, our society has a strict “Talk verbally first, write never” state of mind. Social media’s no different in the sense that it’s a “Make it short first, be in-depth never” state of mind, which wouldn’t be an issue if both were equally approached online. I went through a lot to talk as well as I do now (verbally), yet I still heavily prefer pouring out my thoughts over text. At least through writing, my brain gets a chance to slow down and focus instead of trying to take in everything immediately and mold rapid-fire thoughts into spoken words.
Metaphorically speaking, my brain feels poorly constructed. It's processing words and ideas, but it's either moving way too fast, not catching up fast enough, or forgetting things within minutes. I’m not operating as well as I should be. That impedes my ability to engage with those around me. It's frustrating to be misunderstood, especially when everything feels misaligned as I form a response. I know what I'm trying to convey, but occasionally, it comes out all wrong. I feel like a project that was rushed at last minute but got displayed at the World’s Fair anyway, despite having the wrong cogs in place. Associating myself with outdated inventions and similar technologies makes me feel a little better about the issues I face with my neurodivergence.
That said, I wouldn't say this is a copinglink or anything adjacent to one. Choice isn't a contributing factor of this vaguetype. It has influenced choices, like whether or not I want to link Hearts of Steel or Lies of P as fictomeres, but the existence of the vaguetype alone isn't based on choice. I used a lot of "if"'s when talking about myself as an automaton, and part of that is because this feels like another background experience. It's not at the forefront of anything. That doesn't mean I feel any less connected to it, though.
Furthermore, its existence isn't strictly based on my struggles. As fantasy conceptkind, I’m especially fond of automatons for their fictional counterparts’ presence in gaslamp fantasy. I’m partial to said counterparts’ steampunk aesthetics as well, despite that applying to science fiction and not my area of identity. I experience species envy towards automatons, too. Humanoid automatons are the perfect line between human and nonhuman, and I enjoy the thought of myself as one! To me, automatons are also like living time capsules. They’re a beautiful snapshot of what was once state-of-the-art in our world. One could argue the same about all forms of outdated technology, and I honestly wouldn’t argue back. Technology has existed since the conception of life on Earth. Many folks tend to think of smartphones, computers, robots and artificial intelligence when they hear the word "technology", but that's only one slice of the pie. The tools utilized by early humans were forms of technology, as are elements of nature utilized by animals like chimpanzees and elephants. A lot of early automatons were also made from wood, not exclusively metals! Technology as a concept is expansive, but it is also vastly centered on what we know as of now. This is to be expected with the ebb-and-flow of civilization and its progress. Yet, I'd prefer to focus on the technology that's relevant to me as someone with an automaton vaguetype.
All of these different angles are what this vaguetype consists of. I haven't had the time to talk about it until now, partially because of my job and also because my equinehood came back with a vengeance. In the best way I can put it, this was more of a "stream-of-conciousness" sort of journal. I wanted a place to air out what's been stirring around in my head for the past few days, and my preferred course of action was to delve into these feelings on Dreamwidth. I wouldn't say this experience isn't a major thing, as opposed to my past journals about Umamusume and equinehood. Regardless, I wouldn't be surprised if it turned out to be a favored form of mine. A comfort form, maybe? I don't know. Consider it a form that grounds me when I'm feeling out of it. Being a shapeshifter is lovely, but it's quite the hassle.
I look at the technology of the first and second Industrial Revolutions, and only then am I invested what is put before me. I love technologies of the past in general. The older, the better one might say. This is based on my curiosity regarding these creations’ utility, their evolution and significance to our world’s history, not on the basis of practicality. The astrolabe of the Hellenistic Period, Su Song's water-powered clock tower ("Cosmic Engine"), Munich's beautiful Rathaus-Glockenspiel… I love learning about devices such as these! With the exception of the latter's figurines, I look like none of them as an automaton. Regardless, they’re important to me not only as an alterhuman but from an animist standpoint as well.
In my opinion, there is life within these inventions. Anthropologically, they are the embodiment of innovation, the desire to create and reshape our society through said creations. There hasn’t been a moment in time where humans looked at something and didn’t go “I’m gonna fuck with this thing until I shift its whole purpose in my favor!”— sometimes for good reasons, sometimes absolutely terrible reasons. It is through humanity, its societies and those developments that life can be found in the machines representing them. No machine is perfect. A machine is bound to bug out or go through malfunctions (read as: make mistakes) through trial and error stages, and it can even cause irreversible damage like its creators. It is also capable of incredible feats and inspiring generations like its creators. That is life captured through artificial eyes. Alternatively, if you’re like me, one may sense life in every little piece before these projects are assembled. In a way, that life fully emerges once all the pieces fall into place and a model is completed.
There’s also those who don’t have beliefs under the umbrella of animism. The craft still gives life to the inanimate, just not in a literal sense. In the case of today’s subject, automatons stoke curiosity not unlike my own. Typically, automatons are self-operated and built around entertaining or performing certain tasks for their intended audiences. Automatons are meant to feel alive, even though most people who see them in action won’t actually think they’re alive. To be honest, explaining this perspective isn’t easy. Automatons, clockwork, and similar mechanisms don't come to mind when most people think of "life". But in said mechanisms, I recognize systems akin to those found within an organic body. Every part has a function, and it repeats its duties until the whole thing eventually wears down and ceases to work. Much like the body I occupy, and the body that many others occupy in this world we live in. That is a show of life to me as well.
I recall the writings of my friend Jude, who had their own thoughts to give on these similarities as both an android and a transspecies human:"I like being treated as human. I don’t feel comforted when talking in a way that separates me from the people I love and connect with. I have a mechanical body, and it’s still a body, the physical structure of what I am. I don’t want to use words that imply I’m something fundamentally different from other people, when I feel like we share more similarities than differences. On that note, I don’t see myself as completely different from a human because my body is made of different materials. If studying human biology has taught me anything, it’s that organic life runs on cellular machinery. The biochemical pathways that give humans life are as complex as any coded program... The functional similarities between humanity and machinery, down to the basic level of cells and electricity, are a comfort to me. They remind me that I’m not tearing myself between two diametrically opposed forms of existence - they’re more similar than they might seem at first glance. I have something of androidhood in my human body, and something of humanity in my android body," Jude Rook-Machina, Fuck Detroit, I’m Becoming Human: On Being a Transspecies Human Android (2025).
This excerpt was prefaced by Jude's perspective as a member of the machinekin community and how their preferences, self-perception and overall sense of identity doesn't align with the majority of said community. This section also includes a short yet intriguing portion of information on the inner workings of the human body in comparison to modern machinery, but I digress. I reference that particular essay for two reasons: 1. this connection I see between myself and automatons makes me feel closer to them, in the form of both sentimentality and personal identification, and 2. I've begun to relate to Jude's initial commentary on the machinekin community and the commonalities therein. This essay's been a favorite of mine before I revisited the likelihood of being a machine. Now that I have, I've found that it's even closer to home— not only as someone who's transspecies but as someone who's re-exploring machinehood.
Even then, I can't say I'm entirely a machine either. There's the fact that I am human and nonhuman respectively, not just in this experience but in general. I'm also not an automaton 24/7. This is because my overall species is a shapeshifter, one whose identity is rooted in fiction. More importantly, this alterhumanity I experience towards automatons is nebulous. It doesn't exist under one framework. It exists under multiple frameworks, and that tends to fluctuate depending on where I stand. In other words, it's another vaguetype I've developed. Although the labeling of this experience as a vaguetype is fairly recent, having this connection to machinery isn't out of my depth. The most taxing experience I've had was questioning whether or not I was a Cybertronian. My speculations ranged from being an aerial Junkion with no continuity, to a Junkion from the Hearts of Steel elseworld, to a Junkion with possible ties to Transformers One, and finally, to possibly being D-16/Megatron. I also considered the possibility of being a persocom, a type of android from Chobits; at the time, it made sense given the fact that I already have two fictotypes tied to the CLAMP multiverse. Suffice to stay, neither worked out. I wouldn't be surprised if it was because of the things I feel now. Make no mistake, I'm not biased against modern technology or futuristic depictions of it; after all, I have to live with it like everyone else. From applying to (hopefully) better jobs to communicating with my partner and closest friends, its relevance in my life (or anyone’s life, honestly) needs no further explanation. However, in context to alterhumanity, the most relevance that it has to me is in relation to my headmate Dee, who's both cladokin of handheld gaming consoles and the animus of a Nintendo DS. Besides that, one could say the concept of me and modern or futuristic technology don't compute on a personal level.
But that's where the hard part lies. Once again, Jude's commentary as an android in the machinekin community comes to mind. Similar to Jude, I'm not alienated from humanity. I embrace it wholeheartedly. An automaton is usually created with the intent to imitate something. To some, automatons are considered the predecessor to animatronics for this exact reason. With this in mind, I'd be one that imitates humanity if I were an automaton. Most of the Puppets from Lies of P are good examples of how I imagine myself: decorative, lifelike and a bit uncanny. I'd be a well-crafted representation of humanity... almost, but not quite. There's rigidity in my stature and a flatness in my tone, and any hint of emotion feels fabricated in order to match my surroundings. I don't mind it, though. Whenever I feel outside of the human experience, I still love humanity and being a part of it. No matter how distant the connection is, humanity is essential to me. As an automaton, my personal purpose is to mimic humanity after all.
The concept of looking and acting like a human doesn't make me feel dysphoric. If anything, associations with or relating to cutting-edge technology would be dysphoria-inducing. My parts would consist of clockwork instead of CPUs, operating systems, circuit boards, cables and wires, and all the fixings of robotics or computerized machinery. I'm not as interested in exploring the spaces of machinefolk when those kinds of machines are centered the most. Sharing experiences as a collective isn't unheard of, but it's also common for specific experiences to be talked about or referenced as if they're universal. Think of how mammalian experiences are centered a lot in animalfolk communities or how earthen animals are centered a lot in the nonhuman community— all the way down to how they address their peers, assuming concepts like certain canine behaviors are applicable to everyone or the assumption that everyone likes to be called a “creature”, “beast”, etc. simply because they are nonhuman in some way. This is what I’m gathering from the assumption that all machinefolk loathe the human body or are technologically modern/futuristic. Now, by no means should folks hold back from posting based on what their experiences are like. Commonality isn’t a crime. Mistaking commonality for universality is what’s eating at me, though I’m sure that’s not the intention of our communities. To put it simply: I already have an idea of what to expect if I tried branching out, and I'm probably better off doing things my own way instead of getting involved. Besides, I’d rather focus on uncovering the layers of this vaguetype in the meantime.
As an autistic alterhuman, comparing myself to automatons is a mental escape of sorts. It’s somewhat reclaiming the stereotype around autistic folk and comparing them to robots, but I wouldn’t say that’s the crux of why I associate automatons with myself. Although I'm capable of masking, I often have difficulty with communicating my thoughts and engaging in conversations. Writing’s been my sanctuary as a result, but to my misfortune, our society has a strict “Talk verbally first, write never” state of mind. Social media’s no different in the sense that it’s a “Make it short first, be in-depth never” state of mind, which wouldn’t be an issue if both were equally approached online. I went through a lot to talk as well as I do now (verbally), yet I still heavily prefer pouring out my thoughts over text. At least through writing, my brain gets a chance to slow down and focus instead of trying to take in everything immediately and mold rapid-fire thoughts into spoken words.
Metaphorically speaking, my brain feels poorly constructed. It's processing words and ideas, but it's either moving way too fast, not catching up fast enough, or forgetting things within minutes. I’m not operating as well as I should be. That impedes my ability to engage with those around me. It's frustrating to be misunderstood, especially when everything feels misaligned as I form a response. I know what I'm trying to convey, but occasionally, it comes out all wrong. I feel like a project that was rushed at last minute but got displayed at the World’s Fair anyway, despite having the wrong cogs in place. Associating myself with outdated inventions and similar technologies makes me feel a little better about the issues I face with my neurodivergence.
That said, I wouldn't say this is a copinglink or anything adjacent to one. Choice isn't a contributing factor of this vaguetype. It has influenced choices, like whether or not I want to link Hearts of Steel or Lies of P as fictomeres, but the existence of the vaguetype alone isn't based on choice. I used a lot of "if"'s when talking about myself as an automaton, and part of that is because this feels like another background experience. It's not at the forefront of anything. That doesn't mean I feel any less connected to it, though.
Furthermore, its existence isn't strictly based on my struggles. As fantasy conceptkind, I’m especially fond of automatons for their fictional counterparts’ presence in gaslamp fantasy. I’m partial to said counterparts’ steampunk aesthetics as well, despite that applying to science fiction and not my area of identity. I experience species envy towards automatons, too. Humanoid automatons are the perfect line between human and nonhuman, and I enjoy the thought of myself as one! To me, automatons are also like living time capsules. They’re a beautiful snapshot of what was once state-of-the-art in our world. One could argue the same about all forms of outdated technology, and I honestly wouldn’t argue back. Technology has existed since the conception of life on Earth. Many folks tend to think of smartphones, computers, robots and artificial intelligence when they hear the word "technology", but that's only one slice of the pie. The tools utilized by early humans were forms of technology, as are elements of nature utilized by animals like chimpanzees and elephants. A lot of early automatons were also made from wood, not exclusively metals! Technology as a concept is expansive, but it is also vastly centered on what we know as of now. This is to be expected with the ebb-and-flow of civilization and its progress. Yet, I'd prefer to focus on the technology that's relevant to me as someone with an automaton vaguetype.
All of these different angles are what this vaguetype consists of. I haven't had the time to talk about it until now, partially because of my job and also because my equinehood came back with a vengeance. In the best way I can put it, this was more of a "stream-of-conciousness" sort of journal. I wanted a place to air out what's been stirring around in my head for the past few days, and my preferred course of action was to delve into these feelings on Dreamwidth. I wouldn't say this experience isn't a major thing, as opposed to my past journals about Umamusume and equinehood. Regardless, I wouldn't be surprised if it turned out to be a favored form of mine. A comfort form, maybe? I don't know. Consider it a form that grounds me when I'm feeling out of it. Being a shapeshifter is lovely, but it's quite the hassle.
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This was very nice to read, especially as someone with a lot of companions/headmates with connections to technology and mechanical personhood(?) in some form or another. Albeit more on the futuristic/fantastical side, but y'know. I'm reminded of some convos and comments I've had from robots and programs, and what they've had to say about their inherent connection to humanity. I'm maybe sorta definitely biased, but it's a train of thought that I would've thought I'd seen come up more than it does!
Also felt on "my brain feels poorly constructed". My brain and mouth run at different speeds that only sometimes match up >_>Best of luck exploring this vaguetype!
From:
no subject
aah I'm glad my essay was helpful to you, Sword! you've been an inspiration to me in being proudly transspecies on a different path than most other people, so it's really nice to know my writing has helped you too! ;w;
It's really cool to get your perspective on what it means to be (like) an automaton, I've never come across people talking about this sort of 'type when discussing their machinehood, but it makes sense why you feel connected to automatons! And you make a really good point about how technology is more than metal and wires! I know I'm personally biased towards modern machinery, I'm really fond of the internet, but technology has been here since the first animal picked up a stick and did something with it - we're both machines! and also humans! [handshake]
Also! it's kind of a relief to hear from someone else who doesn't really mesh with the idea of being "cutting-edge technology," even if for different reasons. I'm used to the concept of "being a perfect machine" being used against me, so I tend to reject the idea and embrace being a mentally ill extremely flawed machine (and that's okay because being imperfect doesn't make me less worthy of respect!!), and I think it's cool that you're also reclaiming that with your automaton 'type!
--Jude