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This past month, I took down the rentry on my blog. This rentry functions similarly as a kin list; I use it to list my experiences with alterhumanity, whether relative to species or not. When I removed it from my blog, I decided that I needed some time to myself to think things over. Species identity isn't any different than gender identity or orientation, considering the hurdles I've been jumping over for the past three years. It's difficult to say, with confidence, that you have all your ducks in a row when they go scattering at the slightest nudge. In passing, I've been reconstructing my rentry. I've pushed some experiences to the background and others to the forefront. I've reconsidered the relevance of experiences that I once waved off as "secondary" to my sense of self. More notably, I've revisited experiences that I've felt prominently before but always struggled to convey.
Three examples of this are my experience as a Pokémon, as a horse, and a dragon, respectively. As a pokémon, I rushed myself into weaving together a seemingly correct narrative about my fictomere. I once looked at my background as a trainer and saw it as a parallel life with a kardiatype tied to it. Instead of that kardiatype being dead, it became a human through unknown means. This was a scenario commonly found in Pokémon Mystery Dungeon, but with a human taking the form of a pokémon instead. I started having doubts about this framework later last year. I thought I had a kardiatype as a Koraidon or a Necrozma, which led to me becoming a trainer. However, I felt nothing regarding the trainer fictomere in question. I couldn't even say what my team consisted of as a trainer. It was always changing. At that point, I considered the possibility that this framework didn't accurately capture my identity. This wouldn't be the first time that this has happened. After all, I do my best to scrub away my first essay as a member of the draconic community. That was my first misstep in understanding why I am what I am (if I even wind up being that thing).
That brings me to my dilemma as a horse. Being one out of three earthen species I confirmed for the first time, horses were a sore spot for me for a while. It didn't take much to understand that I'm a bearded vulture out of many species of vulture, nor that I'm an african lion out of many species of big cats. However, horses were tricky. Even worse, my feelings about being a horse was trickier to nail down than my breed. I started out with feelings of draconic equinehood. This threw me through a loop because I thought myself to be a draft horse, one exclusively of earthen origin. Occasionally, I tossed around the possibility of being a longma or a dragon horse from D&D. Despite these musings, they didn't quite fit within my self image. To add insult to injury, being a draft horse had its issues too. At first, I thought my breed to be a Dutch Draft. Then, I questioned the possibility of being an Ardennes instead. Ardennes soon became Shire, Suffolk Punch, Trait du Nord, or Fjord. Sometimes, I'd also experience cameo shifts as non-draft horses such as Exmoor Ponies, Arabian Horses, and Mustangs. It sucked, and I wanted it to stop. For the time being, I deemed myself a draft horse cladotherian until I figured out what my deal was. (That also felt wrong, both the term therian and the idea of collectively being all kinds of draft/draught horses, but I ignored it for a while.).
Lastly, wei arrive at muir draconity. Experiencing draconity is as aggravating as it is enriching. My self-image has shifted quite a lot, despite being in the alterhuman community for a short time. From lionlike dragons to draconic equines, I've entertained being a decent amount of draconic species. Being a gold dragon is set in stone. I think the only things that changed in this context were my suspicions of being a liondrake subspecies and what edition of gold dragons I resemble the most. Besides that, it's remained true to my identity. However, this isn't the only species of dragon I belong to. Some points of my identity will repeat if they're prevalent enough. For example: leonine animality. If someone were to ask me about the relevance of lions or lionlike beings to my alterhumanity, I could give them an exhaustive list of what that entails. My draconity isn't any different. In some fictomeres, I am a human or humanoid being yet my sense of self is still connected to draconity. As a Sunfire Elf, my people were created by and led by sun dragons. Additionally, I am a Lionblood holding the position of Mundu-Mugo, or "dragon-sorceror", which is exclusive to those with draconic ancestry. I hold these experiences close to my heart, but I felt like I was missing pieces of the puzzle alone the way. I've tried linking other dragon species; their sources ranged anywhere between How to Train Your Dragon to Flight Rising. Cirrus dragons were fun ways to flesh out that equine draconity I've felt on occasion. I wouldn't say it was anything substantial, though. I've linked Stormcutters and Nargacugas because of other fictomeres, but neither went anywhere. Amidst this, I was struggling to find another draconic species that I've been feeling like yet had no name for. It was a desert-dweller. It burrowed underneath the sand dunes. It was wingless with no breath weapon, and it had a distinctly serpentine body (similar to some Chinese or Japanese dragons). Most of my searches led me to dead ends.
These experiences sound hopeless, I know. Luckily, that leads me to the heart of this update. I've found my answers. I feel a little bit at peace with myself, especially since these details have been occupying my mind for what feels like forever. First: I'm not a Koraidon or a Necrozma. I am a shiny Hoopa. It's funny that I brushed aside this possibility in the past because I figured it was out of bias. Before revisiting the possibility of being nonhuman, Hoopa had been my favorite mythical pokémon. I should've followed my hunch in retrospect, but I can understand my logic in the situation. Second: I was right about how wrong it felt to say I'm collectively a draft horse. I am not. I am an American Cream Draft. I have a gold-ish champagne coat, and I feel relieved having this knowledge. Draft horses were among the first animals I’ve ever questioned, and it’s nice to know I was on the right track. I just needed to give myself sometime to really think it through. Third: more than one species of dragon turned up in my searches. Sandwings wound up being the only successful linktype I established among dragons, and Burrowing Sand Dragons clicked right into place when I finished reading up them. All of my speculations were kept private up until lately. Besides my previous journal entry, I've only discussed these complications in Discord servers with friends. It feels good to take this weight off my chest. My mind is easing up now.
Along the way, I lost the impulse to write an essay about every new experience I have. That's for the best, in my opinion. Private introspection makes it less likely for me to look back on my work with regret. I still want to write about my experiences, though. I think working on my zine will help me with taking these slower as time goes on. The only things I have planned are entering a couple of zines, but I have nothing else in mind outside of that. I'll just be taking it in stride until further notice. Hopefully, the next time I post on Dreamwidth will be an essay or a creative writing piece. If not, that's okay. I need to be kinder to muirself anyway.
Three examples of this are my experience as a Pokémon, as a horse, and a dragon, respectively. As a pokémon, I rushed myself into weaving together a seemingly correct narrative about my fictomere. I once looked at my background as a trainer and saw it as a parallel life with a kardiatype tied to it. Instead of that kardiatype being dead, it became a human through unknown means. This was a scenario commonly found in Pokémon Mystery Dungeon, but with a human taking the form of a pokémon instead. I started having doubts about this framework later last year. I thought I had a kardiatype as a Koraidon or a Necrozma, which led to me becoming a trainer. However, I felt nothing regarding the trainer fictomere in question. I couldn't even say what my team consisted of as a trainer. It was always changing. At that point, I considered the possibility that this framework didn't accurately capture my identity. This wouldn't be the first time that this has happened. After all, I do my best to scrub away my first essay as a member of the draconic community. That was my first misstep in understanding why I am what I am (if I even wind up being that thing).
That brings me to my dilemma as a horse. Being one out of three earthen species I confirmed for the first time, horses were a sore spot for me for a while. It didn't take much to understand that I'm a bearded vulture out of many species of vulture, nor that I'm an african lion out of many species of big cats. However, horses were tricky. Even worse, my feelings about being a horse was trickier to nail down than my breed. I started out with feelings of draconic equinehood. This threw me through a loop because I thought myself to be a draft horse, one exclusively of earthen origin. Occasionally, I tossed around the possibility of being a longma or a dragon horse from D&D. Despite these musings, they didn't quite fit within my self image. To add insult to injury, being a draft horse had its issues too. At first, I thought my breed to be a Dutch Draft. Then, I questioned the possibility of being an Ardennes instead. Ardennes soon became Shire, Suffolk Punch, Trait du Nord, or Fjord. Sometimes, I'd also experience cameo shifts as non-draft horses such as Exmoor Ponies, Arabian Horses, and Mustangs. It sucked, and I wanted it to stop. For the time being, I deemed myself a draft horse cladotherian until I figured out what my deal was. (That also felt wrong, both the term therian and the idea of collectively being all kinds of draft/draught horses, but I ignored it for a while.).
Lastly, wei arrive at muir draconity. Experiencing draconity is as aggravating as it is enriching. My self-image has shifted quite a lot, despite being in the alterhuman community for a short time. From lionlike dragons to draconic equines, I've entertained being a decent amount of draconic species. Being a gold dragon is set in stone. I think the only things that changed in this context were my suspicions of being a liondrake subspecies and what edition of gold dragons I resemble the most. Besides that, it's remained true to my identity. However, this isn't the only species of dragon I belong to. Some points of my identity will repeat if they're prevalent enough. For example: leonine animality. If someone were to ask me about the relevance of lions or lionlike beings to my alterhumanity, I could give them an exhaustive list of what that entails. My draconity isn't any different. In some fictomeres, I am a human or humanoid being yet my sense of self is still connected to draconity. As a Sunfire Elf, my people were created by and led by sun dragons. Additionally, I am a Lionblood holding the position of Mundu-Mugo, or "dragon-sorceror", which is exclusive to those with draconic ancestry. I hold these experiences close to my heart, but I felt like I was missing pieces of the puzzle alone the way. I've tried linking other dragon species; their sources ranged anywhere between How to Train Your Dragon to Flight Rising. Cirrus dragons were fun ways to flesh out that equine draconity I've felt on occasion. I wouldn't say it was anything substantial, though. I've linked Stormcutters and Nargacugas because of other fictomeres, but neither went anywhere. Amidst this, I was struggling to find another draconic species that I've been feeling like yet had no name for. It was a desert-dweller. It burrowed underneath the sand dunes. It was wingless with no breath weapon, and it had a distinctly serpentine body (similar to some Chinese or Japanese dragons). Most of my searches led me to dead ends.
These experiences sound hopeless, I know. Luckily, that leads me to the heart of this update. I've found my answers. I feel a little bit at peace with myself, especially since these details have been occupying my mind for what feels like forever. First: I'm not a Koraidon or a Necrozma. I am a shiny Hoopa. It's funny that I brushed aside this possibility in the past because I figured it was out of bias. Before revisiting the possibility of being nonhuman, Hoopa had been my favorite mythical pokémon. I should've followed my hunch in retrospect, but I can understand my logic in the situation. Second: I was right about how wrong it felt to say I'm collectively a draft horse. I am not. I am an American Cream Draft. I have a gold-ish champagne coat, and I feel relieved having this knowledge. Draft horses were among the first animals I’ve ever questioned, and it’s nice to know I was on the right track. I just needed to give myself sometime to really think it through. Third: more than one species of dragon turned up in my searches. Sandwings wound up being the only successful linktype I established among dragons, and Burrowing Sand Dragons clicked right into place when I finished reading up them. All of my speculations were kept private up until lately. Besides my previous journal entry, I've only discussed these complications in Discord servers with friends. It feels good to take this weight off my chest. My mind is easing up now.
Along the way, I lost the impulse to write an essay about every new experience I have. That's for the best, in my opinion. Private introspection makes it less likely for me to look back on my work with regret. I still want to write about my experiences, though. I think working on my zine will help me with taking these slower as time goes on. The only things I have planned are entering a couple of zines, but I have nothing else in mind outside of that. I'll just be taking it in stride until further notice. Hopefully, the next time I post on Dreamwidth will be an essay or a creative writing piece. If not, that's okay. I need to be kinder to muirself anyway.
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I can see myself in a lot of this: questioning a lot of similar things and being subjected to cameo shifts until figuring out what exactly's going on, 'links not really going anywhere. And, of course, the relief of finding The One :D
My own alterhuman discovery was very messy and turbulent for the first few years after my initial awakening. I'd definitely have a lot of essays to retract if I didn't stick so aggressively to my offline journal back then.
I think there's a balance to strike with that; just because we might be wrong or we changed later on doesn't mean it's not a valuable landmark in our self-explorations, and I'm sure there's value in others getting to witness that process over time... but it's certainly easier for me to appreciate that when I'm looking back at my own private ramblings and not a public essay that misrepresents me š„“
In any case, I'm glad that you found species that fit!